Elevator Etiquette

I am an asshole when it comes to the elevator.

Yes, I am that person who gave you the apologetic "oh no! I didn't see you madly dashing to the elevator and now it's too late and the doors are clos--" look, while furiously hitting the "close door" button. It's nothing personal; I just can't stand the 2 minutes of agony that a ride on the elevator with you inflicts.

Sharing small spaces with strangers is so awkward and unnatural and just plain miserable. Every time I get on, I'm plagued by a large group of people that hop on after me, going to lower floors than my destination, and inevitably lingering in the doorway to try to finish their conversation about the "meeting" with another co-worker.

Elevators are awkward. Everyone always avoids eye contact while riding. Friends and co-workers desperately attempt to sound casual as they are flanked tightly on all sides by complete strangers. Nobody ever succeeds at perfecting conversational nonchalance and their failure is underlined by the way they burst forth from the elevators onto their floor, exhaling sharply, as though they were given a second chance at life.

I've compiled a list of tips that will help make your and others' rides as pleasant as humanly possible, given the circumstances...

On Odors...
Tip #1: If you've just taken a bath in cologne, avoid elevators at all costs, lest you want to accept responsibility for a young mother passing out from musk-induced asphyxiation at your feet.
Tip #2: If you have failed to brush your teeth that morning, don't speak, close your mouth, and possibly hold your breath. You might not be able to smell it yourself, but, rest assured, that girl in the corner discreetly covering her nose with a scarf has noticed and is presently cursing whatever brand of Indian food you ate the night before.
Tip #3: It is absolutely not okay to let one loose on an elevator. If you feel one brewing, release it into the lobby. Farts don't like riding the elevator either and will attack the noses of everyone on it, in their desperate attempt to escape. Please, think of the poor farts.
Tip #4: If you haven't washed your pants in 4 weeks and you sit down at your job all day long, take the stairs. You smell like a homeless person.

On Phones...
Tip #1: Unless it's the fire department calling to figure out which elevator you're stuck in, don't answer the phone.
Tip #2: Elevators eat your reception, genius. If you must take or make a call, get off at the next floor so that we don't have to listen to you shout your "can you hear me's" and "hullo...hullo...hullo's" every 3 seconds.
Tip #3: If we wanted to hear your January playlist, we'd ask. Seriously, how are you not deaf?

On Conversations...
Tip #1: It's going to be awkward no matter what....just...don't.
Tip #2: Okay, if you MUST talk...try not to joke. I promise you, no one on an elevator is in the mood to laugh. Also, the more mouths that are open, the hairier the smells will get (refer to Odor section).
Tip #3: To ensure that you don't sound like a complete douchebag, avoid talking about yourself favorably, or in monetary terms, for the benefit of listening ears. We couldn't, for example, give a shit about your investment returns or your 6 weeks of paid vacation, whence you dusted off the baby grand in your summer home in Nantucket.
Tip #4: If you drank heavily the night before, chances are, we already know. No need to vocally reiterate your sloppiness. (Also, refer to Odor section.)
Tip #5: Conversations for the sake of filling the dead air are incredibly uncomfortable and pathetically awkward. Looking busy before and during the ride will help you avoid these. Texting/ emailing is favorable. Spilling the contents of one's purse on the floor of the elevator is not favorable.

On exiting and entering:
Tip #1: If someone behind you needs to get off, step off of the elevator to let them pass. Do not squeeze more tightly against the person at your side.
Tip #2: If you see that someone else has been waiting longer to board, give them the courtesy of allowing them to get on first. You do have to share intimate space with them for the next 120-300 seconds. It's best not to rush ahead of them and cut them off.

And finally...
Tip #3 (perhaps the most important tip of them all): If you see me boarding, wait for the next one. I like to have the luxury of riding alone so that I can break all of my own rules. ;-)