"I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the MAAAAAP!"
Parents of young children will recognize this as the most obnoxious song in the history of children's television and mankind in general. The show Dora The Explorer, from where this song hails, is notorious for spoon-feeding young kids with nerve-grating exercises in repetition, delivered by shouting characters. To make matters worse, children are enchanted by this show.
"Do YOU know where the BALL is?" Dora screams at my rapt daughter, who's standing six inches from the television. Brooklyn immediately points to the ball.
Dora blinks, waiting longer than necessary for the lowest common denominator to locate the bright red ball, one of the only objects in frame, barely hidden by a bush.
8 seconds later, "THAT'S RIGHT! THERE'S THE BALL!"
The pies d'resistance is the show's most infamous musical number: "The map song" is delivered in the overzealous, high-pitched, nasal male voice of an animated map with generic cartoon eyes.
"Do YOU know where the BALL is?" Dora screams at my rapt daughter, who's standing six inches from the television. Brooklyn immediately points to the ball.
Dora blinks, waiting longer than necessary for the lowest common denominator to locate the bright red ball, one of the only objects in frame, barely hidden by a bush.
8 seconds later, "THAT'S RIGHT! THERE'S THE BALL!"
The pies d'resistance is the show's most infamous musical number: "The map song" is delivered in the overzealous, high-pitched, nasal male voice of an animated map with generic cartoon eyes.
Andrew and I like to troll each other with the song. I'll interrupt a tender moment between us to burst into "the map song." He has scared me shitless by barging into the bathroom and shouting the googly-eyed navigational reference's mantra. Other parents and I share in our mutual disgust for Dora The Explorer by singing "the map song" together, our sick anthem of parenting valor.
"Is that a Diego toy box I see? Do you have kids?"
I was furiously hacking away at a script for an "I Used To Be Fat" marathon special on MTV back in 2009 when one of the new music coordinators stuck his head through the office door.
I was furiously hacking away at a script for an "I Used To Be Fat" marathon special on MTV back in 2009 when one of the new music coordinators stuck his head through the office door.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Allison just gave this to me for my daughter Brooklyn. She's going to be psyched."
"Cool! Does Brooklyn like Dora The Explorer?" he asked.
"It's on 23 out of the 24 hours in the day at our place. I'd say she's pretty hooked," I laughed.
"So you know all about the Map, then right?"
"Oh. My. God. Ask any parent you've ever met; the map is the bane of our existence. That awful voice repeating the dumbest line EVER over and over and over again. 'I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the maaaaaaaaaaaaap!' Wait, who's the map? Oh! HE'S THE MAP, everyone!"
Maybe it was the late hour, or the fact that I just sank my 5th coffee of the day, but I felt real aggression unfurl in my heart during my map rant.
Music coordinator guy stood in the doorway blinking at me.
"So, yeah, my uncle is the voice of the Map."
Shit.
I just obnoxiously screamed the Map song into the face of the Map's nephew. My foot tasted particularly bad today. Map would surely be sending Dora's Backpack to strangle me with a conveniently packed telephone cord now.
"Oh. God. I'm sorry. Er, Brooklyn loves the Map! She's a huge fan!"
Backpedal. Backpedal. Backpedal. Hear those rusty, guilty gears grind.
Overwrought with guilt, I dragged this poor guy through an awkward conversation about his uncle in which I transparently feigned interest in his acclaimed career in children's programming.
Graciously, before leaving, music coordinator guy turned and said, "Don't worry about what you said. It doesn't offend me."
I'm an ass. I'm an ass. I'm an ass. I'm an ass. I'm an AAAAASSSSS!
